Who I Am Now and Who I Am Not

Who I Am Now and Who I Am Not I am the keeper of lunch money and errant mittens,

the one who hails down the Tooth Fairy

and unbreaks broken zippers.



I am the queen of double knots, of "you may nots"

kissing bruised-up spots

and never sleeping.



I am annoying a teenager, her eyes rolling, sighing.

I am swallowing wounded pride, but on the inside

I am wishing, wistfully, that she was 5 again.



I am four years away from 40

but one bicycle ride away from childhood.



I am somebody's mom, another one's mama, and a 14-year-old's sworn enemy.



I am daydreaming about sex on the sidelines of the soccer game.



I am sleeping with my 6-year-old more often than my husband.

I wear stretch marks like a vixen and sweatpants like a high schooler.



I say things like "Why aren't you wearing pants?" and "You can not ride the cat."

I think things like Is anyone listening? and What would they think if they really knew me? and Why don't I own any real pants?



I am bad at my job, surviving a thankless job, not working a 'real job.'



I am so tired, so happy, so freaking frustrated, so irrelevant, so important.



I am more than the sum of all my parts.



I am realizing that there is a great divide between what I am

and what I was going to be.



I was going to change the world, I ended up changing diapers.



And the truth is, really?



When I think about it now---



I don't think

I would change

one thing.